We spend so much time chasing wellness—counting steps, eating enough protein, tracking sleep. But what if the actual predictor of our health and happiness isn’t in our bodies or minds, but in our relationships? According to the world’s longest-running study on happiness (AKA, The Harvard Study of Adult Development), it’s not our physical or mental well-being that matters most—it’s the quality of our social connections. It turns out, social fitness, or the ability to develop and maintain strong relationships, is more important to a long and happy life than genes, social class, or IQ.
Just like we have to maintain our bodies and minds to stay physically and mentally fit, we have to build up our social strength for our overall health too. Social fitness is like physical fitness, one of the study’s directors told The Harvard Gazette—you have to work at it for it to get better. But how do we go about doing that? Harvard-trained social scientist and author Kasley Killam says it’s as simple as The 5-3-1 Rule she created. Keep reading to get the details on The 5-3-1 Rule for social health and find out whether you’re flexing your social muscles enough.
Experts Consulted
At The Everygirl, we believe that wellness advice should be grounded in accurate, science-backed information to ensure our readers can make informed decisions about their health and well-being. That’s why we prioritize consulting trusted, credible experts—so every piece of content is both reliable and empowering.
Kasley Killam is a leading expert in social health and author of The Art and Science of Connection. As a Harvard-trained social scientist and 2X TED speaker, Killam has been dedicated to improving well-being through human connection for nearly 15 years. Globally recognized for her thought leadership on social health, Killam’s collaborations with top organizations like Google, the US Department of Health and Human Services, and the World Economic Forum contribute to building more socially healthy products, workplaces, and communities.
What is The 5-3-1 Rule?
You may be thinking I’ve got a solid inner circle—I’m good, but are you getting the right amount of meaningful social interactions in your life? Killam said The 5-3-1 Rule is a good baseline to work off of to measure your social health, and it can help you reflect on the quality and quantity of your human bonds. “We need to be intentional about connection, just like we are with exercise and eating healthy foods,” Killam told Business Insider. Skipping out on your social health can cost your overall health big (think: poor sleep, weaker immunity, cognitive decline). It’s right up there with being sedentary or neglecting your oral hygiene. “If I get three workouts in, I know I’m going to feel super good,” Killam said. “If I get just one in or none at all, I’m immediately going to feel the effects on my body.” Your social muscles need training, too—don’t put them to use, and you’ll feel it.
As for the exact numbers—5,3, and 1—they’re not random; they’re backed by research. Killam based them on studies of how much social interaction humans actually need to thrive. Here’s the break down of The 5-3-1 Rule, and how to make it work for you.
Spending time with 5 different people a week
A 2022 Harvard Business School study found that the more varied your social interactions, the higher your wellbeing. From taking a class with a gym buddy to going shopping with your sister to engaging in a quick catch-up with your neighbor, make spending time with others a part of your every day. If you’re ready to branch out beyond your usual group chat, try volunteering for a cause that means a lot to you, joining local groups that vibe with your interests or lifestyle (book club, run club, that Facebook mom group you lurk in more than you post), or letting the friendship apps do the mingling for you (hi, Bumble for Friends and MeetUp).
Nurturing 3 close relationships
As you widen your social circle, don’t forget to keep your innermost one close (read: family and dear friends). Based on Killam’s research of socially happy people across various cultures, she stressed the importance of prioritizing three deep relationships. “We need a few people who we can reach out to for support,” she explained to Business Insider. She’s referring to the people who live at the top of your texts, the ones you’d list as your emergency contact without even thinking twice. In a recent New York Times op-ed, Killam suggested putting those social ties “on auto-pilot,” like scheduling a standing coffee or dinner date every month.
Aiming for 1 hour of social interaction a day
“That doesn’t have to be all at once,” Killam clarified to Business Insider. “It could be 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there.” Pressed for time? Look for ways to weave people into the life you’re already living. Habit-stack your errands, chores, or workouts with your touch-bases. Need groceries? Bring a girlfriend and turn the haul into QT (you’ll probably learn more about each other and feel closer than you would over a phone chat). Laundry piling up? Pop in your headphones and call that old co-worker you’ve been playing phone tag with. Short on your daily step count? Enlist a neighbor to walk and talk. The only stipulation is to make sure it feels like genuine connection, not another thing to check off your to-do list. And if you’re forgetful, Killam said a Post-it note on your bathroom mirror reminding you to reach out to someone in your life never hurts.
The Takeaway
In the same way that the ideal workout routine or diet depends on factors like age, health status, and lifestyle, social needs are going to look different for everyone. You might need more than three close relationships, or you could be totally fine with less than an hour of daily chit-chat. “There is no exact number that’s right for any given person,” Killam shared with Business Insider, comparing The 5-3-1 Rule to drinking eight glasses of water a day or shooting for 10,000 steps daily. Think of The 5-3-1 Rule as a starting point to check in on your social network.
Aiming for Killam’s 5-3-1 Rule minimum means setting you up for strong relationships. Decades of science show that people with tight bonds get major benefits out of them: you are more likely to have a sense of belonging and purpose, feel loved and supported, cope better with stress and adversity, and have better physical and mental health. The payoff is clear: Put in the time, effort, and commitment to build a lasting inner crew, and you get a healthier, happier life.
Katherine Chang, Wellness Staff Writer
Katherine Chang is The Everygirl’s Wellness Staff Writer with over five years of experience in the health and wellness space. She navigates the latest wellness topics and trends through expert interviews and studies, and she’s always first in line to try them firsthand.
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